March 2004

It's just wrong

A lot of people ask me, "Unknown Editor, you know everything. What's wrong with my design?"

Well, I don't have a lot of free time lately, so instead of throwing you a flounder I will teach you how to fish. Here are some examples of stuff that is "just plain wrong". Read on, and next time you might not have to ask. (I am trying to stay away from religion and politics here, but it is just soooo hard...)

Mac computers are just wrong. Ask the Mac user why he sticks with it and he will start whining: "but (sniff sniff) Steve Jobs invented the mouse..." Every Mac computer should include an "I am wrong" hat for the user to wear, while he uses the wrong hardware and the wrong operating system.

Web sites that require you to register any info in order to use them are wrong. Muchas wrongidad! And you can tell Eagleware and Applied Wave Research I said so!

Why are SUVs criminally wrong? Let's see what's wrong with this picture... take all of the carbon-based energy resources that our planet Earth managed to store (without human help) over the last billion years. Pay Texans and terrorists untold riches to pump all of it out of the ground, as quickly as possible. Spill a lot of it everywhere. Convert all of this precious carbon-based liquid to carbon-based gases within a time period of roughly 100 years. Pretend that the atmosphere is unaffected. All so you can sit your fat butt into 5000 pounds of not-entirely-recyclable climate-controlled miniature living room on wheels. Feel good about yourself because society has made this affordable, and you have six cup-holders. Pretend that 100 years from now your non-mobile descendants won't care, while you remote-start your Hummer from your kitchen on a cold day and let a half gallon of premium gas melt off all that pesky ice from the windshield which you can't reach without a ladder. Entropy happens!

Home schooling is wrong. If you think that you can give your kids a complete education at your house, you are fooling yourself. Think you or your missus can do a great job teaching calculus, Spanish III, Renaissance history, the clarinet and wrestling? I doubt it. Not to mention the important skills of dealing with bullies and cafeteria food. What are you afraid of, perhaps if they go to public school, they will learn that you're full of crap? Don't worry, they will find out soon enough when they enter therapy!

If you ride a horse, don't talk on a cell phone. Mixing these two activities is wrong. At least try to explain to your horse why you are seemingly talking to yourself.

When Pat Benatar recorded "Hell is for Children", she got it completely wrong. Rock and Roll is not supposed to be about crap like that. Does this song make anyone want to get up and get down? Why not jam about the Holocaust? Just stick with the theme of "getting some" and you'll be all right, you misguided social worker!

Pop Tarts, wrong. Any type of "flavored Pepsi", wrong twice! I could go on and on. Perhaps I will in the future!

Maybe now you'll know "wrong" when you see it!

- Unknown Editor

Check out the Unknown Editor's archives when you are looking for a way to screw off for an hour or so!