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Unknown
Editor
What's with the
mask? He's not fool enough to give up his day job, that's what!
Wedding
songs that don't suck!
Nothing to do with microwaves
this month! Again!
Everyone know that June is wedding
month. You know the routine... the old lady gets a new dress...
you shove your checkbook into your old sport coat... there should
be an unused wedding card in one of the pockets. If there's an open
bar, the lucky couple gets $150, if not they get $100. Less if it's
her side of the family. Even less if you are from Connecticut, you
cheapskate Yankee... Why couldn't they elope? Don't forget the Tums!
You've noticed that every time
you go to a wedding, the DJ always plays the same tired songs...
"Celebration" by Kool and the Gang. The Chicken
Dance... YMCA by the Village People... We are Family
by Sister Sledge. That awful "40's Medley" that "goes
way back" in an attempt to get Grandpa onto the dance floor
by playing four measures of In the Mood, then switching to
techno crap while he's messing with his walker... Unforgettable
by Nat and Natalie... Can you feel the Love Tonight? or perhaps
You look Wonderful Tonight... These aren't dope cuts, unless
you're a dope. These songs all suck. The DJ's life sucks worse.
Why not help him out by requesting some cool songs to show the bride
and groom that you care?
We have compiled and rated a
Microwaves101-approved list of songs for you to request next time
you are at a wedding. Yucks factor is from 1-10 (10 is best, for
tons of laughs), and R&B factor is also given the same weight
(because rhythm and blues is the highest musical artform). From
these we will decide the winners at the bottom of the page. Sorry
if the list seems so long, but this was a work of pure pleasure
and we could go on and on and on...
Please feel free to send
us more suggestions!
Update, July 1 2005: we
received a pile of suggestions from Frank at SigTech, and two of
them have been added to the list (the Guns 'N Roses/Jimmie Hendrix
tunes). The Hendrix song Hey Joe almost topped the list!
| Title |
Artist |
Comments |
Yucks
factor
|
R&B
factor
|
| Me and Mrs.
Jones |
Billie Paul |
"Me and
Mrs. Jones
We got a thing goin' on
We both know that it's wrong
But it's much too strong"
|
10
|
10
|
| Good Bye Earl |
Dixie Chicks |
"She finally
got the nerve to file for divorce
She let the law take it from there
But Earl walked right through that restraining order
And put her in intensive care"
|
7
|
0
|
| Hugging
and chalking |
Hoagy Carmichael |
Song about a
300 pound woman, click the link and read the hilarious lyrics |
10
|
9
|
| Used
to Love Her |
Guns
'N Roses |
"I used to love her,
but I had to kill her
I had to put her six feet under
And I can still hear her complain"
|
8
|
8
|
| Hey Joe |
Jimmie Hendrix |
“Hey Joe, where
you gonna go with that gun in your hand?
I’m gonna shoot my old lady. You know I caught her messing around
with another man.”
|
10
|
10
|
| Hit the Road
Jack |
Ray Charles |
"Old woman
old woman, oh you treat me so mean,
You're the meanest old woman that I ever have seen,
Well I guess if you say so
I'll have to pack my things and go"
|
10
|
10
|
| Your Cheating
Heart |
Hank Williams
|
Hank wrote the
book on modern marriage. As an alternate, try Cold Cold Heart. |
10
|
7
|
| Paradise by
the Dashboard Lights |
Meatloaf |
"I'm waiting
for the end of time, so I can end my time with you" |
8
|
3
|
| Stacy's Mom |
Fountains of
Wayne |
10 bonus points
if the bride is named Stacy |
4
|
-5
|
| What's Love
Got to Do with It? |
Ike's ex-wife
Tina |
The theme $ong
of all $econd marriage$ |
10
|
10
|
| Gimme some
Money |
Spinal Tap |
"Don't get me wrong
, try getting me right
Your face is OK but your purse is too tight "
Good choice if he is marrying
into some...
|
8
|
7
|
| Under My Thumb |
Rolling Stones |
"Under
my thumb
Her eyes are just kept to herself
Under my thumb, well I
I can still look at someone else" |
9
|
7
|
| Shake, Rattle
and Roll |
Big Joe Turner,
Bill Haley, many others |
"Get out from that
kitchen
and rattle those pots and pans.
Well, roll my breakfast,
'cause I'm a hungry man."
Compare Joe Turner's original
lyrics to Bill Haley's toned down version here!
|
8
|
9
|
| Take a letter
Maria |
R. B. Greaves |
"So take
a letter Maria, address it to my wife
Send a copy to my lawyer, gotta start a new life"
|
10
|
4
|
| Worried Man
Blues |
Woody Guthrie,
Kingston Trio, others |
"I went
across the river, and laid down to sleep. When I woke up, I
had shackles on my feet" (Guthrie's version) |
7
|
8
|
| Cold as Ice |
Foreigner |
"You’re
digging for gold, you’re throwing away
A fortune in feelings, but someday you’ll pay" |
9
|
5
|
| Friends in
Low Places |
Garth Brooks |
"When I
took his glass of champagne
And I toasted you
Said, honey, we may be through
But you'll never hear me complain" |
8
|
2
|
| All my Exes
Live in Texas |
George Strait |
"All my
ex's live in Texas
And that's why I hang my hat in Tennessee" |
8
|
3
|
| She got the
goldmine, I got the shaft |
Jerry Reed |
One of the most
amusing songs ever about the institution of marriage. Of course
it's country/western! |
11
|
7
|
| Ruby Red Dress |
Helen Reddy |
Hearing Ms.
Reddy repeat the words "leave me alone" 42 times in
three minutes is a great preview of the Viagra Years for the
groom, but please hide all sharp objects in the room. Men have
been known to pierce their eardrums with a pen after hearing
this, because of the mortal danger that it might be played again
in their lifetime. |
2
|
-50
|
| The Thrill
is Gone |
BB King |
I'm free from
your spell
And now that it's over
All I can do is wish you well
|
10
|
10
|
| Run Around
Sue |
Dion |
A great pick
if the bride is named Susan, and you know her oh so well. |
8
|
7
|
| Wildside |
Marky
Mark |
" Charles and his
brother came up with a plan
Kill Carol, collect a big check
Blame it on a black man, what the heck?"
This rap song contains
the true story of Charles Stuart, a Boston guy who killed
his pregnant wife, then shot himself and tried to blame the
whole thing on "the black man". Later Charles did
the right thing and jumped to his death into the Charles River.
|
7
|
4
|
| Mother-in-law |
Ernie K-Doe |
"Satan
should be her name,
to me they're about the same" |
10
|
10
|
| I can See
for Miles |
The Who |
"I know
you've deceived me, now here's a surprise,
I know that you have 'cause there's magic in my eyes" (three
bonus points if someone at the wedding is blind!)
|
6
|
10
|
| Free Bird |
Lynyrd Skynyrd |
Another song
about leaving. I actually witnessed this as "the couple's
first dance song" once. Go figure! |
7
|
1
|
Tallying up the scores, we end
up with a six-way tie between Billie Paul, Jimmie Hendrix, B. B.
King, Brother Ray, Ernie K-Doe and Tina Turner's efforts. These
are all hot pieces of wax by anyone's standards. Call it unfair
or even affirmative action, but no white wedding singer is gonna
win this contest. We'll call the winner "Mother-in-Law"
sung by the Emperor
of the World, but why not request them all when you tip the
poor wedding DJ? Remember, if Lincoln won't get what you need, Jackson
will!
If you are from Massachusetts,
perhaps you need some song suggestions for gay weddings. How about
Little Richard's Long Tall Sally, or Lola by the Kinks?
Both are about transvestites! Heck, these may become part of a new
tradition!
Check
out the Unknown Editor's amazing archives
when you are looking for a way to screw off for two hours or more!
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