New for October 2018, thanks to Ben:
New for July 2015, from David:
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
New for July 2013: below we discuss performance reviews.
Many of these thigh-slappers came from emails from Gary. If anyone has any additions, send them in!
Check out Rockwell Automation's Retro Encabulator on our where-are-they-now page!
The Guillotine
This joke has been around for a while. We credit this web site for the version below.
On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution, the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.
Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, "Hey, I see what your problem is ..."
Engineer in Hell
Here's one from Alison, who heard it from Cheryl (thanks to both!)
An engineer dies and goes to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Understanding Engineers One
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they just play at night?"
Understanding Engineers Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers Five
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?'
Understanding Engineers Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Performance reviews
- "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig."
- "His men would follow him anywhere...but only out of morbid curiosity."
- "I would not allow this employee to breed."
- "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."
- "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
- "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
- "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
- "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
- "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
- "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
- "This employee should go far...and the sooner he starts, the better."
- "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
- "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.."
- "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
- "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
- "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
- "He's been working with glue too much."
- "He would argue with a signpost."
- "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
- "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
- "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
- "If you see two people talking and one looks bored...he's the other one."
- "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
- "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
- "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
- "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
- "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
- "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
- "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
- "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."
- "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."
- "One neuron short of a synapse."
- "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
- "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
- "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.