April 2005

In the year 5555
Your arms hanging limp at your sides.
Your legs got nothing to do.
Some machine doing that for you.


In the year 9595
I'm kinda wonderin if man is gonna be alive.
He's taken everything this old Earth can give.
And he ain't put back nothing. Whoa-oh


Denny Zager and Rick Evans, In the Year 2525

Did you ever notice that when you accidentally shift the "4" on your keyboard, "4x4" becomes $x$? (Thanks, Laurie from Australia!)

Below are pictures of two vehicles. If you believe that the second picture is a desirable form of transportation, you obviously rode in the first vehicle to school, because you must have been in special ed! Note the strange resemblance... the similar paint scheme... gas cap on the left... bet they have the same tire size, ground clearance and gross vehicle weight!


A lot of people ask, "Unknown Editor, you know everything, why are SUVs all bad?" Let's break it down...

Oil is not "produced", it is extracted. There is a finite amount of petroleum buried on the planet. If you waste it now, your descendants will suffer later. Just because you believe that the world is going to end during your lifetime, which is a pretty vain assumption, doesn't make it so. Planet Earth is 4.55 billion years old +/-1 %. It will still be here in five hundred years, long after you're gone, and you should care about it, even though you are going to be plant food. By then no one will be able to put their fat butt into a car the size of a living room, and burn five gallons of gas sitting in the McDonalds drive through, you live in a privileged time.

You might not care what the rest of the world thinks of the USA, but as we continue to grab and waste 25% of the oil extracted all over the earth, we aren't going to win friends or influence people in the future. The U. S. trade deficit last year of $666B (perhaps a numerical sign the world will soon end?) was in no small part due to 3.7 billion barrels of oil from the Persian Gulf, and this year promises to set a new record.

Long ago, Native Americans came up with words to describe the white man. The general translation was usually something like "big taker", or simply, "jerk". Nothing has changed, Kemosabe! That oil up in Alaska? Let's leave that until our great-great-grandkids really need it. This could be considered part of an "energy plan".

If you really think that alternative energy is going to allow you to keep driving in a 5000 pound mess of cold french fries and candy wrappers at 70 miles per hour by yourself, 20,000 miles per year, you need more education than we can give you here. Can you picture Boeing or Airbus developing a coal-burning airliner? Nuclear energy for everyone? Is that where the energy comes from for fuel cells? Roofs made of semiconductors gathering solar energy? Not happening, trust me. But just maybe we all could burn Six Sigma books for heat for a while...

If you "need a large vehicle", this could be interpreted as a sign that you should put down your fork more often, or even walk or use a bicycle.

SUVs are making parking lots into an idiot's parade, you must have noticed this dropping off your obese kids at elementary school when you know they could easily walk there. Parking a smaller car is a lot easier, if you don't remember. Thank SUV owners for making city streets more crowded, literally ruining once-cool cities like Hoboken NJ. Just because you can afford two SUVs, doesn't mean you should be allowed to completely clog up a city with vehicles that you can't possibly even use to commute!

SUVs are not safe, unless you happen to smack one into a normal car. If your SUV crashes into another SUV, good luck, chances are you will be taking a dirt nap. They also cause far more property damage in a crash, and crash more often than cars because they don't respond well in an emergency.

Gas is now solidly over $2 per gallon. "Let them eat cake", you say, "George Bush's tax cut will cover the increased expense of commuting to work by myself in my cool yellow SUV!" By the way, the rising price of gas is related to filling all of those H2 tanks, in case you never studied economics. Hopefully we will reach $4 per gallon soon, maybe that will get your attention. Some of us can't wait.

April is "Earth Month". SUV owners should consider these alternative uses for their vehicle, for a healthier planet:

1. Take off the tires, get it off the street, and use it as a guest house for mother-in-law. You can probably get some nice yellow curtains on Ebay!

2. Donate it to our soldiers fighting in Iraq, along with some old bed frames so they can fashion some armor plating.

3. Donate it to your school system's special Ed department for field trips.

By the end of the month, the traffic situation might just get a little better!


Check out the Unknown Editor's amazing archives when you are looking for a way to screw off for a couple of hours or more!

Fan/hate mail can always be sent to UE@microwaves101.com