May 2012
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Just considering what to do once I sell off Microwaves101 to Penton Publishing and they outsource this column... here's a few outlets I could pursue for my duty to educate the rest of the world.... all content is copyrighted by PN Designs, so don't be scheming a way to steal anything for personal profit!
Comic creator
What is in a comic, besides a simple, absurd concept that is milked to the bone each day? Here are some example titles that literally write themselves, and perhaps I will spend some time later to sketch them all out:
Wilbur Wallstreet - just because he makes a lot of money, his opinions and advice must be the best and loudest in the room. His kids want him to die so they won't have to get jobs...
The Holy Cow and his Dolly Llama - hijinks ensues in the first episode when HC meets the Quaker Oats guy....
Below is a comic I call Brenda the Angry Robot. Any similarities to redheads that might live at my house are purely coincidental...
Screen play writer
A few years back I had a dozen pages of yucks spelled out in a screen play I called 72 Virgins. I recognized that the time had come for a terrorist comedy. I lost the screenplay somehow, my hope is that it is on an old hard drive out in my garage, or perhaps someone I know can email it back to me. But at this point General Aladeen has beaten me to the concept:
The Dictator
My script for The Bracelets dates back to January 2012, back when the Republican primary was on. It could be a five minute youtube video with some good slapstick, and in my opinion it would be funnier if the production used certain pejoratives and profanity which I left out on this "CEO friendly" web site. Words in (parenthesis) could be so translated...
The Bracelets
Narrator: A new method of keeping petty criminals inside their homes under house arrest has been deployed. Simply called "the bracelets", they operate on a simple principle: so long as the parolee stays inside his home (as measured by GPS), he is free to do whatever he/she likes. However, outside their domestic prison, the bracelets are programed to, well, to beat the (snot) out of the wearer, so long as he is a recognized criminal. I don’t know any other way to put that.
Let’s take a look as one such prisoner ponders how he can defeat the mechanism and walk a free man…
Prisoner 1: Say, I wonder what would happen if I put on a mask and walked outside, do you think I could fool the bracelets? I could walk down to the store and score a handle of Captain Morgan!
Prisoner 2: Great idea. I have this Newt Gingrich mask left over from Halloween, try it on!
Prisoner 1: That ugly (bastard)? Ok, I’ll try anything to get outside.
Puts on mask…
Hands form fists, start “looking” at the new face, but eventually relax…
Prisoner 2: Now go outside and try it!
Goes outside, camera follows him, starts beating the stuffing out of himself.
Prisoner 1: (Forget) this (experience)!
Runs inside.
Prisoner 2: I should have known that wasn't going to work. Try this Rick Perry mask…
Similar result...
Prisoner 1: Now what can I do, any masks left?
Prisoner 2 hands him an Obama mask.
Prisoner 1: I don’t know if this is such a good idea… isn't he an illegal immigrant or something?
Puts on mask, bracelets don't react. Goes outside. Bracelets start saluting everyone, patting himself on the head, waving peace sign.
In big letters: Vote for Obama, 2012, (mankind)!
Song writer
A few years back there was a country song called Drugs or Jesus. I am a fan of some country music, so long as it sticks to certain boundaries and doesn't try to cross over to Christian Pop.
Tim McGraw, Drugs or Jesus
I got to thinking, why must we all make such a choice. Maybe if I combined the two this could make a top ten hit. I didn't waste much time trying to come up with a second word to rhyme with. Note to people that don't live in border states... "Jesus" is pronounced "Heysoos".
Let's do a Bowl for Jesus
It's not the Man that busted Jesus, and took our vein away.
And not his wife Maria, she's long since moved away.
A bullet took poor Jesus, and it was not a stray.
Let's do a bowl for Jesus, he can't be here today.
Blood Stone Boys paid a visit, down at the crossroad today.
Jesus had it coming, that is what they'll say.
Tomorrow has no guarantee, not if you're here today,
Let's do a bowl for Jesus, and smoke his pain away.
I did some time with Jesus, locked down in MCJ*
If it was not for Jesus, I'd not be here today.
Born in Tijuana, and he died on Christmas day.
Let's do a bowl for Jesus, we'll wash his sins away.
* Men's Central Jail
Email spammer
I always wanted to send this out to everyone in the world.
From: The World's Most Annoying Man
To: Everyone in the World
Subject: Re:tardation
I am responding in regards to your email about "tardation". Thanks for the kind offer, but I am good on that.