March 2002
Its been a while since you were enlightened by the all-knowing one. Sorry about that, but my day job was killing me. Guess what time it is? It's layoff time! How do you avoid being a microwave statistic? If you are relatively new, you probably can't. Here is why.
Think of your company as "Gilligan's Island". There are seven types of people in your department:
Gilligans: the grunts. This is you, at the bottom of the engineering food chain. Sure, no one expects you to know everything, so long as you are there to blame everything on!
Skippers: middle managers, they ones that do nothing but yell at the Gilligans. Personally, I've never seen a manager get laid off.
Professors: the backbone of the industry (like yours truly!) If they get axed we all are in trouble. Work hard, pay attention to what we tell you at Microwaves101, and you may someday earn this protected rank.
Mr. Howells: live in cushy offices, collect six figures, yet contribute nothing. But they're not going anywhere, and it's due to the "theory of relativity." Mr. Howells are related to somebody.
Mrs. Howells: they live outside of one of the Mr. Howells' offices, and don't have to lift a finger. (See theory of relativity above).
Mary Annes: they are cute, but not big contributers. They can't be touched in a layoff, since no one wants to ruin your company's reputation for diversity.
Gingers: get over it, they don't work at your company. If you want meet a Ginger, they work at the "gentlemen's club" downtown. Bring lots of small bills.
There you have it. There is no one to be laid off except for all of you poor Gilligans. Want to lay low during this period of uncertainty? Here is my advice:
- Ask everyone you know at work for something to do instead of sitting around
- stop playing solitaire on your computer (even during lunch!)
- lose the eyebrow stud!
In the mean time, get busy on your resumes, and while you are at it brush up on your microwave skills here at Microwaves101.com!
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Check out the Unknown Editor's amazing archives when you are looking for a way to screw off for a couple of hours or more!
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