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June 2005

Nothing to do with microwaves this month! Again!

Everyone know that June is wedding month. You know the routine... the old lady gets a new dress... you shove your checkbook into your old sport coat... there should be an unused wedding card in one of the pockets. If there's an open bar, the lucky couple gets $150, if not they get $100. Less if it's her side of the family. Even less if you are from Connecticut, you cheapskate Yankee... Why couldn't they elope? Don't forget the Tums!

You've noticed that every time you go to a wedding, the DJ always plays the same tired songs... "Celebration" by Kool and the Gang. The Chicken Dance... YMCA by the Village People... We are Family by Sister Sledge. That awful "40's Medley" that "goes way back" in an attempt to get Grandpa onto the dance floor by playing four measures of In the Mood, then switching to techno crap while he's messing with his walker... Unforgettable by Nat and Natalie... Can you feel the Love Tonight? or perhaps You look Wonderful Tonight... These aren't dope cuts, unless you're a dope. These songs all suck. The DJ's life sucks worse. Why not help him out by requesting some cool songs to show the bride and groom that you care?

We have compiled and rated a Microwaves101-approved list of songs for you to request next time you are at a wedding. Yucks factor is from 1-10 (10 is best, for tons of laughs), and R&B factor is also given the same weight (because rhythm and blues is the highest musical artform). From these we will decide the winners at the bottom of the page. Sorry if the list seems so long, but this was a work of pure pleasure and we could go on and on and on...

Please feel free to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Update, July 1 2005: we received a pile of suggestions from Frank at SigTech, and two of them have been added to the list (the Guns 'N Roses/Jimmie Hendrix tunes). The Hendrix song Hey Joe almost topped the list!

Title Artist Comments
Yucks factor
R&B factor
Me and Mrs. Jones Billie Paul "Me and Mrs. Jones
We got a thing goin' on
We both know that it's wrong
But it's much too strong"
10
10
Good Bye Earl Dixie Chicks "She finally got the nerve to file for divorce
She let the law take it from there
But Earl walked right through that restraining order
And put her in intensive care"
7
0
Hugging and chalking Hoagy Carmichael Song about a 300 pound woman, click the link and read the hilarious lyrics
10
9
Used to Love Her Guns 'N Roses

"I used to love her, but I had to kill her
I had to put her six feet under
And I can still hear her complain"

8
8
Hey Joe Jimmie Hendrix “Hey Joe, where you gonna go with that gun in your hand?
I’m gonna shoot my old lady. You know I caught her messing around with another man.”
10
10
Hit the Road Jack Ray Charles "Old woman old woman, oh you treat me so mean,
You're the meanest old woman that I ever have seen,
Well I guess if you say so
I'll have to pack my things and go"
10
10
Your Cheating Heart

Hank Williams

Hank wrote the book on modern marriage. As an alternate, try Cold Cold Heart.
10
7
Paradise by the Dashboard Lights Meatloaf "I'm waiting for the end of time, so I can end my time with you"
8
3
Stacy's Mom Fountains of Wayne 10 bonus points if the bride is named Stacy
4
-5
What's Love Got to Do with It? Ike's ex-wife Tina The theme $ong of all $econd marriage$
10
10
Gimme some Money Spinal Tap

"Don't get me wrong , try getting me right
Your face is OK but your purse is too tight "

Good choice if he is marrying into some...

8
7
Under My Thumb Rolling Stones "Under my thumb
Her eyes are just kept to herself
Under my thumb, well I
I can still look at someone else"
9
7
Shake, Rattle and Roll Big Joe Turner, Bill Haley, many others

"Get out from that kitchen
and rattle those pots and pans.
Well, roll my breakfast,
'cause I'm a hungry man."

Compare Joe Turner's original lyrics to Bill Haley's toned down version here!

8
9
Take a letter Maria R. B. Greaves "So take a letter Maria, address it to my wife
Send a copy to my lawyer, gotta start a new life"
10
4
Worried Man Blues Woody Guthrie, Kingston Trio, others "I went across the river, and laid down to sleep. When I woke up, I had shackles on my feet" (Guthrie's version)
7
8
Cold as Ice Foreigner "You’re digging for gold, you’re throwing away
A fortune in feelings, but someday you’ll pay"
9
5
Friends in Low Places Garth Brooks "When I took his glass of champagne
And I toasted you
Said, honey, we may be through
But you'll never hear me complain"
8
2
All my Exes Live in Texas George Strait "All my ex's live in Texas
And that's why I hang my hat in Tennessee"
8
3
She got the goldmine, I got the shaft Jerry Reed One of the most amusing songs ever about the institution of marriage. Of course it's country/western!
11
7
Ruby Red Dress Helen Reddy Hearing Ms. Reddy repeat the words "leave me alone" 42 times in three minutes is a great preview of the Viagra Years for the groom, but please hide all sharp objects in the room. Men have been known to pierce their eardrums with a pen after hearing this, because of the mortal danger that it might be played again in their lifetime.
2
-50
The Thrill is Gone BB King I'm free from your spell
And now that it's over
All I can do is wish you well
10
10
Run Around Sue Dion A great pick if the bride is named Susan, and you know her oh so well.
8
7
Wildside Marky Mark

" Charles and his brother came up with a plan
Kill Carol, collect a big check
Blame it on a black man, what the heck?"

This rap song contains the true story of Charles Stuart, a Boston guy who killed his pregnant wife, then shot himself and tried to blame the whole thing on "the black man". Later Charles did the right thing and jumped to his death into the Charles River.

7
4
Mother-in-law Ernie K-Doe "Satan should be her name,
to me they're about the same"
10
10
I can See for Miles The Who "I know you've deceived me, now here's a surprise,
I know that you have 'cause there's magic in my eyes" (three bonus points if someone at the wedding is blind!)
6
10
Free Bird Lynyrd Skynyrd Another song about leaving. I actually witnessed this as "the couple's first dance song" once. Go figure!
7
1

 

Tallying up the scores, we end up with a six-way tie between Billie Paul, Jimmie Hendrix, B. B. King, Brother Ray, Ernie K-Doe and Tina Turner's efforts. These are all hot pieces of wax by anyone's standards. Call it unfair or even affirmative action, but no white wedding singer is gonna win this contest. We'll call the winner "Mother-in-Law" sung by the Emperor of the World, but why not request them all when you tip the poor wedding DJ? Remember, if Lincoln won't get what you need, Jackson will!

If you are from Massachusetts, perhaps you need some song suggestions for gay weddings. How about Little Richard's Long Tall Sally, or Lola by the Kinks? Both are about transvestites! Heck, these may become part of a new tradition!

Check out the Unknown Editor's amazing archives when you are looking for a way to screw off for two hours or more!

 

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