June 2004
News Flash! SUV sales are, what's this, down? A lot of people are concerned over this statistic, not the least of whom is Osama Bin Laden. This month we will do the fair and balanced thing and give the Bearded One a forum for his latest fatwa with his most ardent supporters, American SUV owners! Below in italics is some text we received from OBL:
"Greetings from Afghanistan, fellow SUV enthusiasts! Allah Akbar! And thanks for your support in the War for Terror! I am most proud to be offered your entire George Bush tax credit of 2003 in exchange for $50 per barrel crude oil!
Of the top five gifts from Allah, the SUV is the most precious one since it provides more riches to Al Qeda than the magic cave of Open Sesame! In case you are wondering the other gifts from Allah are the global positioning system, cell phones, rocket propelled grenades and Boeing Super 80s!
I have been approached by one of your "Detroit" car companies on behalf of their sales associates. Like them, I am most concerned with the possibility that sales of the largest SUVs seem to have peaked. It seems that their Eddie Bauer Edition Explorer is no longer drawing in customers. Who is this infidel Eddie Bauer? It is time to honor your most holiest SUV driver! It is time for the Bin Laden Signature Edition, God willing!
What does it take to put my signature onto your next vehicle? These are the improvements I have asked to have put in place God willing...
First and foremost: zero miles per gallon. If this goal is not attainable, God willing, then the infidel engineers have promised me that 2 mpg is a good intermediate goal. We have the following features to help us:
No ignition switch - that's right, you never have to suffer this inconvenience again because the motor is always on. And if you accidentally inhale enough CO to suffocate while your Bin Laden SUV is parked overnight in your garage, that is also a good result for our mutual cause, fellow martyr!
A full-sized spare tire to complement your other 355-27 SR-50, $300 tires! No jack is included, since it would be too much of an inconvenience for you soft people to raise a six-ton vehicle and change a 150 pound tire! Call Triple A, they will send out a giant truck from far away to burn more Saudi gas in support of jihad, while you sit in air-conditioned comfort!
Heated seats! All the time! In the summer, just crank up one of the 20,000 BTU air-conditioners! For convenience, we have installed them into each window, and the entire vehicle is wired for 220 volts! Its primary purpose is the power the optional WMD package which will be for export only... Allah Akbar, I have said too much!
Two motors will be installed, one for the front and one for the back! Yes, we will help you cut your zero-to-sixty time, even if you can't use this feature while you are stuck in infidel traffic!
Full-time eight-wheel drive! And some of the wheels are driven backwards, just to use more gasoline!
A post office box! Since you spend more and more time in your vehicle, why not let Federal Express chase you on the highway for your signature while you drive and drive and drive!
We don't just supply cup holders, we have developed an entire "McDonalds Docking Bay"! While you still have to idle for 20 minutes in the drive-through line for your refreshments, you will now be presented with an entire feast of fast food, complete with warming lights, a soft ice cream machine, and unlimited ice! You deserve a break today, God willing! While quantities last we will install extended-length seat belts in all seats!
An ATM machine! This is needed so you will always be flush with cash every time you stop for gas! By the way, all US service stations are owned indirectly by my relatives!
Unknown Editor: That's enough, Osama. Crawl back into your cave, it's time for some more camel dung sushi! Everyone else, its time to bring back the Fiat 500, the BMW Isetta and the King Midget!
- Unknown Editor
Check out the Unknown Editor's archives when you are looking for a way to screw off for an hour or so!