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December 2011

 

I received a Christmas Card, signed by "The One Percent", which expressed the following sentiments. Perhaps you all received it too, if not, read on.... to paraphrase Marie Antoinette, let us eat horse.... see you at the Occupy Tucson site, amigos!

- UE

Greetings! It has been a busy year for us job creators, as you well know. We'd like to thank you all, except for those simply dreadful occupiers. They got what they deserved at UC Davis. Didn't your parents teach you anything about Kent State? In a few years you will be too pre-occupied with feeding your miserable children, you won't have time for this occupation foolishness. We do like the color of the pepper spray during this season, it reminds us of egg nog...

We especially want to thank the Tea Party for carrying on in the tradition of Joe the Plumber, a broke, unemployed loser that just hates it someone suggest that our country should increase taxes on us rich .... can't quite say the word.... OK, here goes, folks. How droll it is to try to speak your provincial language! It makes us think of that tool George W. Bush, a dreadful choice we had to make for you.

Speaking of tools, don't think for a moment that you still live in a democracy. The Republican Toolbox was bought and paid for by us, with the singular mission to make sure that Obama fails in every way. You might have surprised us in the 2008 election, but don't forget you now live in a third-world country where all policy is set by the wealthy and their corporations. Trust us, global warming is only a lie, you really need to start consuming the Canadian tar sands to continue your wretched lifestyles and keep that carbon cash flowing from you to us. Please don't worry, we'll find some way to purchase fill for our private islands to keep them above water.

Now it's time for us to give something back to the 99% that for the past few decades hasn't really financially progressed. Don't think we're going to apologize for this state of affairs, we can't help it if you can't succeed. In any case, the five second rule has been officially extended. You may now have ten seconds to eat food that has fallen to the floor. Bon appetit!

For your Christmas dinner we hope you will enjoy the "new red meat" that we had Congress provide for your tacky tables... See you at the Belmont... not!

We job creators want your kids to have relevant gifts that guide them on their journey to our nation's future. We'd like you to consider these gifts when you pick out things for your horrible children. These will help them on their way to one of the many thousands of jobs we are creating for you! Note that these gifts are available at WalMart, one of the many big-box stores we have provided for you to consume such disgusting trinkets while providing some of us with an unimaginable wealth stream. While you're there, fill out a job application and apply for some food stamps before we cut off this needless wealth redistribution program. If you're that hungry, perhaps you could plant a garden in down-town Detroit. Go back to Patterson, where you belong!

A leaf blower, just like Dad's!

A maid cart, just like Mom's!

Meanwhile, you must enjoy those Lexus ads as much as us, even though Santa won't be bringing any losers a new luxury automobile! Some people have the nerve to say that ad campaign is obnoxious, rest assured these jealous jerks won't be invited out for a Christmas ride with us!

The 150th anniversary of the New York Draft riots is just about a year away. Recall that in that first war where we had a draft, we one-percenters could buy our way out of duty for $300. Look at the ruckus it caused in New York! That and Vietnam taught us that drafts are bad, so we reduced your wages enough so that an all-volunteer army is possible even during a double war. Also, we don't have to cough up the exemption fee. Enjoy your time in Afghanistan!

We know sometimes we go too far in expecting the 99% to do our dirty work, or exporting jobs. But we have your back when it comes to deporting Mexicans so they won't take your farm-wages!

Remember that $40 tax cut? Turns out it doesn't create jobs, so you won't be needing that. We'll let you go another two months if that's what it takes to get our pipeline through. Our tax cut is 100% protected, but we've paid for that protection in quantities of cash that the 99% can't afford! Jealous? Bite us!

As for jobs we are thinking about creating, our gardener needs a personal trainer in order to work faster, and our food taster recently died...

Well, that's all for now. Please get back to work, the harder and dirtier the better. And don't park your old truck in front of our house when you come to do the landscaping or we will have it towed!

 

Check out the Unknown Editor's amazing archives when you are looking for a way to screw off for a couple of hours or more!

 

 

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